Comments on: an angsty post

By: thefrogprincess

thefrogprincess — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 20:50:21 +0000

I feel you, turducken. It’s difficult to find those kind of men but it’s also been difficult for me to make dating a priority when I know I’m not going to be in the same area for long. Again, being a budding historian is part of this. I knew I was going to be doing archival research outside the country for a year-plus and so dating couldn’t be a priority because I knew I was leaving. And yes I’m going to be back to write up next fall but even then, if I’m lucky, I’ll only be there another year. So I myself have been a bit more reticent than I probably would have liked because I’m constantly moving around. I have come to grips with the fact that I likely won’t meet somebody decent in graduate school but sometimes, like last Friday, I suddenly realize that my twenties are rushing by me and I really don’t want to enter my thirties without any changes, which can happen so easily in this career.

By: turducken

turducken — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 14:14:21 +0000

I’m in a field that’s not nearly as isolating, but it’s not any better here. Like 8:14 suggests, I get out and “take risks.” Yet that doesn’t guarantee any kind of payoff. Men who are willing to be serious about a woman who is guaranteed to move upon graduation (to say nothing of following her) are few and far between. I too look forward to being settled in a permanent position so I can really date again. My (male, married, mostly to stay-at-home wives) professors don’t seem to grasp why I’m not keen on taking a mediocre job that I can move out of in a year or two – their support system follows them around.

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 07:14:30 +0000

I came into my own MRU program as one of the only single women. A year into my program, I met a fellow grad student from another department. We liked each other, made compromises for each other, and then we married. Some friends continue to struggle romantically and point to a shortage of high quality partners in the vicinity of the U. But, they won’t take risks. They won’t try Internet dating just to see what happens, go to non-university events, or join community clubs. I think the secret to finding someone is to make people a priority, and to seek out social situations even if it is beyond the comfort zone initially. I’ve realized that 4-5 really good hours of work per day (sans random internet browsing, elaborate email writing and totally pointless episodes of self-flagellation about not measuring up) is really enough to make good progress. Anything else is fake working. This leaves a lot of time to get involved in different things. Getting involved helps with my own sense of isolation, as does completing non-essential writing and admin tasks in a coffee shop with wireless.

By: whitheramp

whitheramp — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 20:59:21 +0000

this is sort of in response to this post and the most recent one about still being glad you’re in london — i totally feel the same way. it’s not easy finding people to date in ny, and i find that, at the day to day level, i sometimes feel pretty lonely and isolated. i find myself talking and singing out loud when i walk down the street and think maybe i’m slowing becoming an urban schizophrenic! BUT — despite impending insanity, i’m still glad i’m no longer in the bubble! at least here i can have hope!

i’ve been working on the diss proposal lately. ugh. it’s all so much clearer in my head!!!!!

By: forger

forger — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 13:55:07 +0000

I’m in grad school and married, but I’ve moved out of the town where my husband lives to do my research. I’m finishing the first year of a phd, and plan to move where he is in the spring to study for comps and write my dissertation. It’s lonely without him here and I sometimes think of quitting grad school too. Either way, I’ll be long-distance relationship, or long-distance from my colleagues and supervisors, so it’s not easy. Grad school’s a real trip, eh? I’m glad to see by your comment that you’re already feeling a little better.

By: thefrogprincess

thefrogprincess — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 20:54:18 +0000

History Enthusiast, it’s a weird bind we’re in. For me, being single sucks but I’m completely with you about the “two body” problem. I don’t want it and I’m glad I don’t have it. Today was a weak moment but I think, when I’m not pissed off at the archives, I’ve generally written off graduate school, I’m getting the PhD, and hoping for the best once I have a job, whether in academia or out.

Which leads me to the whole restrictions issue. I’m with you, Anastasia. I think I’ve always known that I couldn’t apply to every job that came up but this past summer it became crystal clear to me that I have to stop making everything else in my life a top priority except my personal happiness. I guess the difficulty there is how people see you. I’m not that worried about my friends/colleagues. My close friends both in graduate school and not in graduate school know me well enough to understand. And I’m not really all that concerned about colleagues who don’t understand. But I guess I’m worried about what my various professors will think. It won’t matter at all if I don’t go on the job market at all but if I actually go on the market and only apply to a select group of schools, leaving out options that are good on paper (particularly flagship state schools in states I’d be hesitant to live in and SLACs in the middle of nowhere), that decision could damage my professors’ opinion about my seriousness. I know it shouldn’t matter and I think at the end of the day I have to go with my heart on this one but I do have a few reservations.

By: Anastasia

Anastasia — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 18:27:00 +0000

aww, I’m so sorry.

Aside from believing in Jesus, these are all the reasons I like to go to church. Although, even that can be tricky. I’ve been terribly lonely since we moved here and that doesn’t even compare to what you’re facing. So I really am sorry.

Anyway, what I really wanted to say is that I totally hear you on the job restrictions and I say, lay down whatever restrictions you feel like you need. The academy isn’t running your life. You are. And if it doesn’t fit with your plans, you can get up to something else. You know?

By: The History Enthusiast

The History Enthusiast — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 18:14:19 +0000

Uggh…I am so sorry that you are feeling this way!

I am also single, and have been for most (80-90%) of grad school. I totally understand how isolating it can be. I rely a lot on my mom and on my fellow grad students, but almost all of them are married and/or in a committed relationship, so often when I hang out with them I am the third wheel.

I am an Americanist so I don’t have to travel out of the country, but I am comforted by the fact that I don’t have the “two body” problem when it comes to finding a job. At least, I’m hoping that I eventually find someone after I get a *real* job, though by that point I’ll be in my late 20s and the prospects get slimmer each year.

I was thinking that we can become Facebook friends. Just email me and let me know…maybe that will help you feel less lonely!