I’m in the middle of two transitions right now. I’ve been back in the United States for about a month and I really miss being in London. Even though I wasn’t getting much work done, I had my own life there, one that wasn’t weighed down by toxic family dynamics and toxic men. Now that I’m back (and more importantly back where I grew up), I feel mired down in the same old dilemmas with no good choices. For the several months that I’m back home (the second transition), do I stay in my childhood home where my mother’s stuff has never been cleared out, where I, with my notoriously low standards, can barely stand the mess and clutter, and where the tension between my father and I hangs in the air constantly? Or do I return to MRU’s town and sublet a place for a month or two, where I know I’ll fall back into an unhealthy relationship with the guy I was in an unhealthy relationship before I left?* Neither’s good for me emotionally but that’s nothing new. It’s been a while since I’ve had options that are fully good for me emotionally. Everything in my life comes at a price I can’t really afford to pay. And I’m tired of it.

In more pleasant news, though, there are certain things I’m excited to have back in my life: water pressure (those of you who have spent any amount of time in the UK know what I mean), my car, the brands of toiletries I’ve used my whole life.

*Relationship is too strong a word for what we were doing but there’s no need to get into unpleasant specifics.


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