and on it goes

01Apr10

Right now’s a time when I wish I could write under my own name and speak freely about what I’m having to deal with. But alas, vague narrations under my pseudonym are all I’ve got.

I used to know that feeling better about things was always a sign that something bad was on the horizon. I guess the meds have blunted my normal instincts, which I do recognize aren’t particularly healthy. But just because they’re unhealthy doesn’t mean they’re untrue.

The situation has just gotten so much worse than it already was. I have more support, I’m feeling better, I’m proactive about my psychological shit, and I’m getting down to business. But there are certain people who will not let it lie and who insist on absolving themselves of any responsibility for the situation they created, while insisting that my reaction to the situation they created is a major problem that must be addressed. It isn’t. I’ve moved through it. Let’s move on. Stop sabotaging my work and my life. Stop being passive aggressive. And stop recreating the offending problem that sparked this all to begin with.

I refuse to be defeated. But right now, I just don’t have the energy or the will to fight. I’m mentally and physically exhausted; I’m emotionally shattered. I’m at my wit’s end. I haven’t done anything wrong, absolutely nothing, and I cannot comprehend how this has happened, how this has gone so spectacularly wrong. Right now, writing this dissertation and getting the PhD doesn’t seem worth the trouble.

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One Response to “and on it goes”

  1. I am so sorry…if you need to talk you know where to find me.

    The only thing I can say is this: when you successfully finish (and you WILL!) it will be sweet, sweet revenge to show them that you stuck with it. I know it really sucks right now, but do what you need to do to get back on track. Maybe you need to take some time off and relax, or whatever. I don’t know. Just hang in there!


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