how to move on

25Apr10

That title’s a lie. There’s no moving on.

Over the past few weeks, since things reached their most abusive peak, I have been throwing myself into my work. It’s not that I find solace in work; I don’t, nor am I convinced it’s particularly healthy to do so. (I think this is another way I’m not quite wired right for academia. The prevailing assumption is that work is everything, it’s the solution to all emotional problems, everything will be all right once you throw yourself into work. I’d always known this was a prevailing ethos but it’s been unnerving the number of times I’ve heard from higher-ups that everything will be fine when I’m in the thick of the work. Well, no, actually, since said work will have to be run by the person who has made the last several months of my life hell.)

So I don’t find solace in work; I find solace in hanging out with friends. I’d probably find solace if I had a partner or any family members that I spoke to with any frequency. There are other things I find solace in that have fallen by the wayside over the years; these are the kind of things that I once had a decent level of skill in and now that I don’t, taking them up again wouldn’t be soothing. I’d just be frustrated by how far I’d fallen. There are even other things that usually do the trick but they’ve been dropped now that my academic life has been ruined (emotionally, that is).

There have been a few times in my life where work kept the nastiness at bay. I worked so that I didn’t fall apart. It wasn’t solace, it was just occupying my brain with everything but my problems. And that’s where I’m at now. If I stop working obsessively and give myself time to think, time to mull over what’s happened, I will fall apart. That’ll be another few months gone.

But I’m exhausted. The schedule’s too punishing. I’m not really getting any joy out of the work and what joy I may get will be tempered by the fear of having to engage with this person and the anger that I’m being left high and dry by some who are in positions where they’re supposed to step in.

And slowly, but surely, I feel my rage levels rising. I just don’t understand why I have to fucking put up with this shit. I don’t understand how this fucking happened. And I really don’t understand why I am surrounded by people who can get away with all kinds of things (and I’m not saying they shouldn’t) but here I am, completely on point, on track, working hard, self-motivating, without much in the way of guidance, and it’s me who gets attacked randomly. What was said to me may have no basis in fact (and I know it doesn’t) but it was said, I have to live with what was said, and there doesn’t seem to be much that can be done. This person will continue to think these things about me and I will have to work with this person knowing that they still think these things about me.

I’m pretty much powerless, which is the worst place for me to be.

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