the pattern

03Jul10

So there’s a pattern in my work. The pattern has always existed. Periods of good productivity followed by spells where I cannot work at all. I’ve written about this before. But now the balance has shifted; I’m unable to work more than I’m able to. This chapter, for example: I wrote it, it was a decent first stab at the material, I’m happy with it and with the effort it took to write it. And the second I finished it, my ability to work vanished. And it’s unclear when it’s coming back. I’m at the library daily. I have files open on the computer, I’m surrounded by books, but that’s about it. It’s not that I don’t like what I’m doing: when I’m in the throes of working, I’m really into it all. But the weight of everything that’s happened, and the concurrent severe shrinking of my social circle (in one case not my doing, in others a conscious choice not to talk to friends who won’t understand or pulling back from friends who refuse to have my back because it’s too difficult to believe that I can be having this experience in the same department where they’re having a ball of a time), is really too much to handle and when I’m overwhelmed, I shut down.

There’s never a good time for these shutdowns. Also the very situation that has caused the increased frequency of them will of course be exacerbated by them, so I’m in a lose-lose situation.

On top of all that? The knowledge that what I really need is another two years of graduate school. That’s not feasible for all sorts of reasons not related to my situation but, given how much it’s costing me to do this upcoming year, I just can’t do another year on top of that. I have to get out of this place and this stage of my life (with the PhD) as soon as is humanely possible b/c the toll it has taken on my personal life, my physical health, and my mental stability is enormous. I can feel it every day just how much I’m losing by sticking it out but quitting isn’t an option, as much as I wish it were. So the compromise is to tolerate only one more year of this, although these frequent shutdowns are really getting in the way of that.

Such is life.

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2 Responses to “the pattern”

  1. Thanks for sharing

  2. Thanks for the information. This is a wonderful


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